Monday, October 31, 2011

In Which I Teach You How to Procrastinate

I'll give you one guess why it's been almost 2 weeks since I last blogged. No, I wasn't kidnapped by the mysterious men in the cafeteria who refill the glasses whenever they're empty. And no, sorry to disappoint, but I did not run off to join a tribe of Amazon women who wear no bras. Because that's weird. And uncomfortable.
I was procrastinating.
I know, shocker isn't it? A college kid, procrastinating? That's practically unheard of. As rare as finding marshmallows in cereal! Okay, nix that last sentence. But it's true. I am the world's greatest procrastinator. I know what you're thinking; you think there's someone who's better than me. There's not, don't you worry. Why else would I be writing this when I'm supposed to be doing homework? Even though tonight's homework involves watching Jake Gyllenhaal in Source Code.
Since I know some of you always do your homework on time, make your bed before 6:00 at night and write papers a week before they're due (I'm sorry, but that's just disgusting. You need to see someone if these applies to you.), I have constructed some things that you can do to help you procrastinate. You can thank me later and please hold all applause until after the show.

1. Sleep. Possibly the greatest procrastinator of all time. You can use this method for pretty much everything: homework, class, homework, setting the table, homework, working out, homework. Because everyone needs their sleep. Everyone. Even those old people who try to make us believe they are rested on 6 hours of sleep. Don't be fooled.

2. Eat. There are two benefits to this one: you procrastinate and you make your tummy happy! Nothing better than downing the wheat thin and vitamin water before you study. (Always include a drink when working with electronic devices. You wouldn't want to spill that all over your new laptop! Although maybe your old laptop...)

3. Walk Around Aimlessly. I do a lot of this. At college, it's great because there are many places you can go. The mail room (where there is never any mail for you), the library (which is scary because there's people actually working), the coffee shop (see #2), and of course your friends' rooms which are bound to be just as boring as yours unless they happen to have a baby monkey or squirrel or something (none of mine do).

4. Read. How nerdy is that? But true. Because, just like sleep, you have to read to stay smart. Even comic books have their advantages. They um, make you laugh which, um, burns calories, and um...moving on. Although I wouldn't advise telling your professor you didn't do the powerpoint presentation because Emma and Louie were caught up in a whirlwind romance while fighting mystical creatures in a land where there's no chocolate and everyone thinks dolphins speak English. Or something like that.

5. Internet. Ah, the good ole' fallback. Nowadays, you can spend ample time on Twitter, Facebook, StumbleUpon, blogger, etc. You can spend as much time as you want...unless your eyeballs fall out or your brain explodes from sensory overload. Attractive, isn't it? On second thought, maybe we should actually stay away from that.

I have now provided you with five excellent ways to procrastinate. (Okay, now you can applaud. GO!) If you have any more, please feel free to let me know, as I'm always in the market for more ideas. I'm off to go not do my homework and possibly sleep, eat, or read. Or maybe all three.

Happy Halloween!

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